Hockey Dad Patience: How to Stay Calm When the Ref Clearly Needs Glasses

When a Call is Missed—and You Lose Your Mind (Almost, well kind of…)

You’re at the rink. It’s the third period. The game is close. Your kid is skating their butt off. Then it happens—

A blatant trip.

No whistle.

The ref skates past like he’s admiring the weather outside through a frozen window.

You leap halfway out of your seat, hands raised, veins bulging.

“CALL SOMETHING DAMMIT!!”

But….you don’t yell it.

Not this time.

You sit back down with your jaw tight, and your forehead vein in the upright and locked position.

Instead you choose to mutter it into your coffee cup.

Welcome to the sacred art of “Hockey Dad Patience”—a skill harder to master than a Mighty Ducks triple deke and more valuable than any power play goal. Because in youth hockey, one thing is guaranteed: bad calls happen every game. And how we respond to them as parents and role models is just as important as how our kids respond to a loss.

Let’s take a deep breath (no, seriously—take one now: 4 seconds in 6 seconds out), and dig into why patience in the bleachers matters so much… and how to actually build it as a professional skill.

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SECTION 1: Why Refs Blow Calls—and Why That’s Okay (Even If It’s Not and you want to have a dumpster meeting with the ref after the game)

Let’s start with some humility. Have you ever:

• Missed your exit driving because you were multitasking in actuality or in your head?

• Tried to keep track of 15 things at once and dropped the ball?

• Been yelled at by a stranger while trying to do your job?

Congratulations! You’re qualified to be a youth ice hockey zebra.

Refs are human. Most often undertrained. Sometimes underage. Definitely underpaid. They’re managing fast-moving players, screaming parents (not you of course), confusing rule interpretations, and trying to maintain control of a game filled with pre-teen emotions and blades on ice.

Do they mess up? 100%

Do we like it? Hell no.

Do we need to accept it? Unfortunately…. Yes

Because even if you had NHL-level officials working a squirt game, the nature of hockey is semi organized chaos sprinkled with emotional piss and vinegar. Calls will be missed. And it’s not personal. It’s human.

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SECTION 2: The Real Reason We Lose It

Sure, it’s frustrating when your kid gets slashed and nothing is called. But that’s not the whole story.

What’s really happening in those moments?

• You feel powerless. You want to protect your child, and you can’t.

• You feel embarrassed. That call (or non-call) might have cost your team momentum, or worse, the game.

• You feel judged. If your kid got a penalty, you wonder what other parents are thinking.

• You feel like the stakes are too high. Maybe your kid really wants this win, or it’s a tournament. Emotions run hot.

Those feelings are valid. You’re emotionally invested. That’s what makes you a great hockey parent.

But how you manage those emotions is what makes you a great human parent.

It gets even more difficult when you are hockey parent and coach. You want to berate and chastise the ref for their lack of care towards the game. You want to protect your players and your honor… You “need” to make it known that they made a crappy call. Take a breath. Your team is listening. Every second and every word you say and how you say it. All the time…. Even when you think they are not.

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SECTION 3: Patience Is a Power Play

Here’s a secret most people never learn:

Staying calm isn’t weak. It’s strength.

In fact, when you hold your tongue, breathe deep, and keep your cool, you’re doing something elite. You’re modeling:

• Emotional regulation and control.

• Respect for authority (even flawed authority).

• The ability to mentally zoom out and see the big picture.

• Sportsmanship—not just for kids, but for adults, too.

And guess who’s watching you do it?

Your kid.

Even if they’re focused on the ice, they hear you. They notice if you’re the parent pounding on the glass or the one giving a quiet thumbs up after a tough shift. They notice the red faced emotional rollercoaster in section A.

They may not say it now, but one day, they’ll remember:

“My dad always kept it together. He believed in me, even when the ref didn’t.”

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SECTION 4: The 5-Second System That Actually Works

You probably know the 5 seconds rule when it comes to dropping food. Don’t follow that one. Coming from a chef, food goes in the trash the moment it hits the floor. Your stomach will appreciate you.

This is simple, but life-saving in the bleachers.

Next time you’re about to yell at a ref, do this:

1. Inhale deeply through your nose.

2. Count to five mentally or out loud so others can see you being mindful. No shortcuts. Even if the game is moving fast.

3. Ask yourself: “Is this worth losing my credibility over?”

4. Repeat the phrase: “It’s about growth, not the scoreboard.”

5. Exhale. (Bonus points if you don’t throw your coffee.)

Pro tip: Keep gum or sunflower seeds in your pocket. Something to chew on is a great substitute for a primal scream. Plus it’s pretty embarrassing to spit your gum out mid yell in front of people.

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SECTION 5: Things You Can Yell That Won’t Get You Side-Eyed

You don’t have to go full Zen monk in the bleachers. You can still be vocal—just be constructively vocal.

Yell These:

• “Keep grinding!”

• “Nice hustle, 91!”

• “Let’s go, team—shake it off!”

• “Good shift!”

• “Heads up! You’ve got this!”

Maybe Don’t Yell These:

• “Are you blind, ref?!”

• “What game are you watching?!”

• “Call it BOTH WAYS!!”

• “This is a joke!”

• “This game is garbage”

Every arena has “that parent.” The one who starts chirping in the first period and doesn’t let up. Don’t be that parent. You’re better than that. The coaches, refs, and kids don’t like that parent…

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SECTION 6: What to Do When It’s More Than Just a Bad Call

Sometimes, bad officiating crosses the line from frustrating to unsafe.

Here’s what to do if the refs really aren’t protecting the kids:

1. Speak privately with the coach after the game. Let them escalate it through the proper channels.

2. Document what happened. Specific details are more effective than emotion. Make sure to be thorough.

3. Contact your local hockey association—respectfully. Be part of the solution, not the outrage.

4. Don’t post about it online. Venting on social media may feel good for a second, but it rarely helps—and can hurt your kid’s team reputation.

Save your fire for what matters most: your kid’s development and safety. Let the coach and league handle the rest.

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SECTION 7: The Long Game: Lessons That Last

Here’s the thing no one tells you when you sign your kid up for hockey:

You’re not just paying for ice time and tournaments.

You’re paying for resilience.

You’re paying for your child to learn how to show up after failure, handle adversity, and deal with unfairness—with grace and respect.

Ref misses a trip?

That’s an opportunity to teach your kid how to respond with grit instead of whining.

Ref calls a phantom penalty?

That’s a chance to teach accountability and mental reset.

And every time you model patience, you reinforce those same lessons in yourself.

Your child is learning from your body language, your tone, your sideline presence.

Be the calm in the chaos.

Be the standard, not the sideshow.

Be the pro not the amateur.

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Patience Is the Most Underrated Skill in Youth Hockey

You’ve yelled before. We all have. It’s part of the learning curve.

But if there’s one thing to level up in your own Hockey Dad game this season, it’s not your chirps or your bracket predictions. It’s your composure.

Stay calm when the ref clearly needs glasses. Don’t tell the ref to check their voicemail because the missed a bunch of calls even if you want to.

Because one day your kid might not remember the final score of the game…

But they’ll remember how you acted when things got tough.

And if they learn to carry themselves with maturity, grace, and resilience—

Then you’ve already won.

Even if the ref missed the call.