When “Failure” Is the Best Play of the Game
Here we go! Your kid is flying down the boards with the puck on their stick. Blows past the defender at the red line. All that is left is the nervous goalie with a set of pads too big for them. Then it happens… Major muffin of a shot that flies wide and your kid falls and slides into the dasher boards. It was the perfect breakaway and they failed to capitalize. Parents in the stands groan, mutter “come on” under their breath, and snicker. Don’t panic or get frustrated. What if that blown play was the best thing that happened all game? I know I sound nuts but hear me out. What if we could redefine “Failure” ?
New Definition of Failure:
The word failure gets treated like a four letter word in youth sports. Parents avoid it, coaches disguise twitch soft language and kids hear it and think it means “I’m not good enough.” That word is not the means to an end; it is the title of the instruction manual nobody wants to read. Every time a kid screws up on the ice, the game itself is giving them feedback. Missed the net? That is a free reminder to keep your eyes up when shooting. Got stripped of the puck? That’s a real-time lesson to practice stick handling under pressure. Fall flat on your face during a drill in warm-ups? That is the ice telling you to not take everything so seriously and just enjoy the game. The truth of the matter is, those who do not fail often do not push themselves far enough to find their limits. Coasting is not growth. The players who end up becoming great are the ones that screw up and learn how to use those mistakes as fuel. Failure is not the opposite of success, it is the toll you pay to get there. The sooner a kid learns that mishaps and mistakes are part of the journey the faster they will stop fearing it. They will begin to play freer and take more bold risks. Amazing things happen from being bold, risky and fearless.
The real beauty of mess ups:
Kids learn a multitude of things from blowing the play, losing the puck, getting knocked down, and hitting the crossbar.
A. They learn resilience. Getting up after a fall is a muscle, not a talent.
B. They become adaptable. When they missed the play they get to learn how to recover in real time.
C. They learn humility. No one, no matter how talented is ever above tripping over their own feet
D. They learn Problem Solving. Every mess up is an experience to challenge them to adjust the next shift.
Coaches Tip: Higher level coaches are looking for the kids that are willing to take risk, get into the rough areas of the ice and adjust their game when the make a mistake.
The Parent Trap:
Here is an uncomfortable truth: 90% of the time, it’s not the missed goal, blown pass or trip and fall that sticks with a child. It’s the looks on our faces the moment after it happens. Kids are super observant. They can see your eye roll from the opposite blue line. When I was on the bench coaching I sure could see the parents faces on a blown play and if I could see it, your kid saw it before me. Your disappointment is louder than the buzzer.
We don’t mean to do it, but as parents we get caught in what I call the “Parent Trap.” It is the point that we magnify their mistakes without realizing it. Sometimes it is super obvious; like screaming out “shoot the puck,” or “come on Johnny…skate!”, from the bleachers. I have seen plenty of parents coach from the stands like they are part of the headset wearing video review team. Other times it is very subtle. Tight shoulders, heads shaking or down, or the infamous eye roll.
The biggest problem is once a child picks up on that, the ice time mistake comes home with them. They start to believe that failure is not part of growth but it is letting mom and dad down… Shame spirals start to build and anxiety rears it’s ugly head.
Whats a good flip side? The smallest reaction can turn it all around. A calm nod that shows them “Shake it off.” The thumbs up on their shift after they had that major blunder. Even just sitting in the stands enjoying the game and letting the coaches coach goes a long way. Those little cues teach your kid mistakes aren’t disasters, they are growth and part of the ride.
Mindset Reset for Players: Turn Failure into Fuel
There are a few great tools to teach your athlete when it comes to overcoming the concept of failure.
Don’t evaluate the mistake until 3 shifts later. This will allow your child to focus on the next quick decision, the next shift, or the next pass. Dwelling will cause anxiety and fear to take risk. It will make them hesitate and then lose focus. Tell them it is ok to be upset about a missed play but look ahead to the “what’s next” instead of the “just happened.”
Micro Wins: teach them to celebrate the small wins. The great shot, the quick stop, the tape to tape pass, or the puck steal. Celebrating the small allows the brain to react faster and push to those big wins. Big wins become more manageable and will help push them to find their limit.
4-6-4 Breathing: Teach them when they make a mistake and get to the bench, breath in slowly for 4 seconds, hold it for 6 seconds and breath out for 4 seconds. It helps to encourage focus and a sense of calm. Kids are stressed, fired up, and have emotional tornadoes in their heads during a game. Teaching them a sense of calm and focus with breathing will keep them sharp through adversity.
Call to Parents:
Here is where it gets real; the way you handle your Childs mistakes will either fuel their growth or choke out the flame. You cannot control their skating stride or their shot accuracy, but you can control the energy you bring and how you show up when they screw up. Unfortunately they are watching you just as closely as they are watching the puck.
Fun fact: a youth player in a typical 45 minute game will have the puck on their stick an estimated total of 3 minutes. The other 42 minutes they can see how you react and show up for them.
The next time your kid botches a pass or trips over the magical gremlins on the blue line, hit the pause button on the natural instinct to react. Try a simple reframing instead.
Ask yourself:
“Was it really a disaster?” Spoiler alert, its youth sports, it’s almost always a great data point for learning.
“ What’s my job right now?” Do not fix it. Help them realize and see that mistakes are normal, temporary, and great ways to become better.
Here is a simple mantra you can borrow: Better to fall now than stall later. It’s a reminder that messing up early, often and without shame builds strength, resilience, and humility that will outlast their youth sports career.
The next time your kid “fails” don’t make it heavier than it really is. Nod, smile, and save the pep talk for when they are ready to hear it. Remember they are not always ready to hear your game break down. Allow them to be upset, angry, or sad. Let them know that emotions are meant to be felt and that they are also there to help you grow in more than just hockey.
The Wrap-Up:
If your kid hasn’t eaten it on the blue line during warm ups, sailed a shot over the boards when they are in front of the net or passed the puck to the imaginary player at the other blue line; they will… All of that is good news. There are hidden gems of growth wrapped up in failure and embarrassment. We spend too much time on trying to make or kids “better players” instead of remembering what makes them better humans; failing, learning and getting back up. Failure isn’t the opposite of progress, it is progress. Its the reps that their character needs to become strong, emotionally intelligent, and great humans. Next time they fail, take a step back, smile, breath and praise the effort that happened even in the failure. If you model this they will grow exponentially and go from a scared kid to a confident athlete and human.
