When You Start Caring More Than Your Kid: How to Back Off Without Giving Up
By Coach Lee | DasherDadHockey.com
“Where parenting, hockey, and humor come together”
🤔 So You Cried During Warmups. Let’s Talk About That.
We’ve all seen it—and if we’re honest, many of us have been it:
The parent who paces during warmups like it’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup.
The one fist-clenching during a 10U soccer scrimmage.
The one who looks more devastated by a missed pass than the player who actually missed it.
At some point, you stop being a supportive parent and start behaving like an unpaid Division I scout with a personal emotional investment.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth:
If you’re more upset than your kid, you might be the problem.
Don’t worry. You’re not alone.
But you are overdue for a mindset reset.
🚨 The Emotional Investment Trap
Let’s call it what it is: overidentification.
When your child’s performance becomes your sense of pride, validation, or social standing, you’ve crossed into dangerous territory.
This shows up in phrases like:
“We didn’t make the team this year.”
“We had a rough game.”
“We need to shoot more.”
Buddy, unless you're lacing 'em up, you didn't do squat.
Psychologists refer to this as “vicarious achievement”—when parents seek to fulfill their own unmet needs or ambitions through their child’s accomplishments【1】.
Spoiler: This doesn’t end well.
For you or your kid.
🔍 Signs You Might Be Overinvested
If you’re nodding yes to any of these… it might be time to pull back.
You’re more nervous than your child before games.
Your mood depends on their stat line.
You bring up their sport in 90% of conversations (including at funerals).
You’ve said “I just want them to be successful” while slowly dying inside after a missed free throw.
You argue with other parents like you’re an assistant coach (spoiler: you’re not).
And the big one:
Your kid seems fine… and you’re still spiraling.
😅 Let’s Get Honest (And a Bit Funny)
Look, youth sports can turn normal people into absolute psychos. And the line between “supportive” and “unhinged” is thinner than skate lace.
Real examples from real sideline moments:
A mom once threw her iced coffee at a fence when her 8-year-old struck out. (Was it pumpkin spice rage? We’ll never know.)
A dad brought a whiteboard to the bleachers and diagrammed the power play. For his own kid. In a house league.
A grandparent openly cried because their 9-year-old got moved to defense.
You’re laughing because you’ve seen it.
Or because you are it.
🧠 What the Research Says
Studies from the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology show that high parental pressure correlates with decreased enjoyment and increased anxiety in youth athletes【2】.
Another study found that kids who perceive their parents as overly critical are significantly more likely to quit their sport by age 13【3】.
In short:
Your kid wants to feel supported—not scrutinized.
And you want to help? Start by breathing.
🧘♂️ How to Back Off Without Giving Up
This isn’t about being hands-off. It’s about being the calm in the chaos, not the chaos in the bleachers.
1. Check Your Ego at the Rink Door
Your kid is not your redemption arc.
They’re not your second chance at that scholarship, title, or validation. Let them write their own story—even if it’s a comedy instead of a comeback. When I was a chef we had a specific saying in my kitchen. When you are ready to walk in to work, “Check your baggage at the door.” You were there to perform a the highest level for those paying guests, not be held back by issues outside of that execution. Once you finished your shift you were more than welcome to pick up that baggage again and take it home if you were so inclined, but it was always recommended that you let it go.
It’s the same philosophy when you go to the field, the court or the rink with your young athletes. Check your baggage at the door, it’s about them not you.
2. Be Curious, Not Controlling
Instead of:
“Why didn’t you shoot more?”
Try:
“How did that game feel for you?”
Instead of:
“You should’ve passed sooner.”
Try:
“What was going through your head on that play?”
This teaches self-reflection instead of self-doubt.
3. Find a Hobby That’s Not Named After Your Kid
If your entire identity revolves around being “Ella’s Dad, 12U Elite,” you’re setting yourself up for emotional collapse.
Take a class. Go hiking. Do martial arts or yoga (especially helpful if you need to work on meditation and breathing techniques… see what I did there). Start a weird side hustle selling goalie-themed cutting boards. Anything.
Your life can include their sport—it just can’t revolve around it.
4. Let the Coaches Coach
This one’s spicy. But true.
Unless you're the coach (and even then—Settle down), your job is not to analyze ice time, line combinations, or explain puck possession in the car.
You know what your job is?
Snacks. Gas. Emotional regulation.
Repeat.Don’t be that rink side parent who not only yells that they could do a better job than the coaches but that your kid needs to back check more when rushing through the neutral zone. You are hurting your child and you look and sound like the definition of asshole…
5. Model Grace, Not Just Grit
We’re big on teaching resilience to our kids—but what about us?
Can you stay kind after a bad game?
Can you compliment another kid’s success without comparing?
Can you go an entire weekend tournament without losing your damn mind?
Can you show grace to the other kid that missed the free throw to lose the game?
Because your kid is watching.
Not just how you act when they win—but how you handle it when they don’t.
🚘 The Post-Game Ride: Keep It Simple
When in doubt, the post-game car ride should go something like this:
✅ “Love watching you play.”
✅ “Want a snack?”
✅ [Radio silence and some music if they need it.]
You’re not ESPN. You’re their support crew. I used to constantly want to fix whatever issue I saw on the ice during a game with my son. Now my son and I listen to NHL network radio or his favorite playlist and just be quiet in the moment. I also sit back and allow him to start the game conversations good or bad. He is a young man of few words…. I think all soon to be 12 year olds are. Especially when they are tired and hungry. Burgers make conversation… write that down,
💡 Final Shift: Your Role Matters—Just Not Like That
We all want what’s best for our kids. But too often, we lose the plot.
If your emotional state is more fragile than your kid’s shin pads, it’s time to check yourself.
So next time you find yourself panicking during warmups, yelling over a missed layup, or sobbing in the parking lot after a playoff loss… ask:
Am I doing this for them? Or for me?
Then take a breath.
Back off—without disappearing.
And let your kid own their game.
Because that’s the win that matters most.
📚 Sources
[1] Wuerth, S., Lee, M. J., & Alfermann, D. (2004). "Parental involvement and athletes’ career in youth sport." Psychology of Sport and Exercise.
[2] Knight, C. J., Boden, C. M., & Holt, N. L. (2010). "Junior tennis players’ preferences for parental behaviors." Journal of Applied Sport Psychology.
[3] Gould, D., Lauer, L., Rolo, C., Jannes, C., & Pennisi, N. (2006). "Understanding the role parents play in tennis success: Parent and coach perspectives." USTA Sport Science Review.
