Tears, Tantrums & Timeouts: Coaching Through the Ugly Moments

By Coach Lee | DasherDadHockey.com
Where parenting, hockey, and humor come together

🚨 The Meltdown Moment

Let’s set the scene:

Your kid just got back to the bench after a brutal shift, missed a pass, blew coverage, coach barked, and now… they’re crying. On the bench. Full meltdown mode. Maybe even throws a glove or slams their stick.

You’re in the stands, white-knuckling your coffee, desperately hoping no one sees you whisper, “Oh my God, please don’t be mine.”

It happens.

In fact, if your kid hasn’t had an emotional moment in hockey yet… just wait it’s just over the horizon.

But here’s the shift we need to make as parents:

Tears, tantrums, and timeouts aren’t failures.
They’re opportunities to build emotional regulation; a skill just as important as stick-handling.

🧠 Emotional Regulation Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait

We treat emotional control like some kids just have it, and others are destined to scream-cry their way through the third period.

That’s false.

The same way we teach a crossover or a saucer pass, we need to teach kids how to manage emotions under pressure.

And if we don’t? We send them into adulthood with a wicked slapshot and zero tools for handling rejection, frustration, or adversity.

Not exactly a winning formula.

💣 Why the Ugly Moments Matter

The truth is, youth hockey will test your kid’s emotions:

• Getting benched

• Making mistakes in front of a crowd

• Coaches yelling

• Team drama

• Not making the “top” line

• Losing….. badly…. Very freaking badly

If we treat every meltdown like a crisis, or worse, a character flaw; we miss the point.
These moments are the training ground for long-term grit.

🚧 What to Do When It Blows Up

1. Don’t Panic (That’s Your Job)

Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, other parents might be watching. No, it’s not your cue to yank them off the team.

Stay calm. Don’t match their meltdown with your own.

If they see you lose it every time they lose it, you’re reinforcing that emotion = danger. Instead, model the kind of regulation you want them to learn.

2. Validate First, Coach Later

Your kid’s emotional brain is like a fire alarm. When it’s blaring, no one’s learning anything.

Trying to “fix” their behavior mid-meltdown sounds like this:

• “Calm down.”

• “There’s no crying in hockey!”

• “Why are you acting like this?!”

Here’s what actually works:

• “That was a tough shift, huh?”

• “I saw how frustrated you were out there.”

• “It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here.”

Connection always beats correction in the heat of the moment.

3. Know the Difference Between Quitting and Crying

Sometimes kids say they want to quit right after a bad game, a harsh coach comment, or a team conflict.

That doesn’t mean they hate hockey.

It means they’re overwhelmed and don’t yet have the words to say:

• “I feel embarrassed.”

• “I don’t know how to handle this pressure.”

• “I feel like I’m letting you down.”

Let them feel it. Let it pass. Then talk.

4. Reframe the Blow-Up

Meltdowns are messy, but they also show that your kid cares.

Would you rather a kid who bottles it up until they explode at 16 and quit completely? Or a kid who’s learning how to navigate emotional storms with support?

Use phrases like:

• “It’s okay to be upset. Let’s figure out how to move forward.”

• “What did your body feel like right before you cried?”

• “What can we do next time to help you reset faster?”

You’re not just calming them down. You’re teaching self-awareness.

🧰 Tools to Build Emotional Regulation

Just like off-ice strength training, emotional regulation needs reps. Here's how to build that muscle:

🔁 Practice the “Reset Button”

Before a game or practice, teach a quick mental reset technique:

• Deep breath in (4 seconds)

• Hold (4 seconds)

• Breathe out slowly (6 seconds)

• Visualize shaking off the last shift

Make it a game. Name it. Use it. (“Time for the Reset Rocket, kiddo.”)

🪞 Debrief, Not Deconstruct

After the game, don’t launch into analysis.

Instead, try:

• “What felt tough today?”

• “What helped you calm down?”

• “What’s something we can try next time?”

Let the focus be growth, not guilt.

💬 Use Language that Separates Emotion from Identity

Instead of:

“You’re too emotional.”

Try:

“You felt overwhelmed. That happens. Let’s figure out why.”

This helps your kid understand emotions aren’t bad, they’re information. Then they don’t define them.

🚘 The Post-Game Car Ride (When They Cry, Snap, or Shut Down)

If your kid is melting down post-game, the ride home is not your chance to coach, criticize, or explain “what they should’ve done.”

Here’s the golden rule:

Drive the car. Don’t drive the conversation.

Wait for the emotion to settle. Offer:

• Silence

• A snack

• A hug

• A simple “I love watching you play”

You’ll be amazed how much more they’ll open up when they feel safe, not scrutinized.

📣 What If It Keeps Happening?

Frequent meltdowns might signal:

• A toxic team culture

• A fear-based coaching style

• Over-scheduling or burnout

• Pressure (from you, from themselves, or both)

It’s okay to step back and reassess.
There’s no shame in switching teams, taking a break, or asking for help from a mental performance coach or therapist.

Remember: you’re raising a human, not a hockey robot.

🏁 Final Shift

Your kid’s emotional outbursts are not a sign of weakness.

They’re a sign they’re human, under pressure, and learning.
And your response? That’s the real coaching moment.

So next time the tears hit, the tantrum erupts, or the gear goes flying...

Breathe.
Pause.
Step into the storm like the calm, steady leader they need you to be.

Because in hockey, just like in life, the ugly moments often become the most valuable ones.

Has your athlete or child eve had one of those wild tantrum episodes during a game? Let’s talk about it down bellow in the comments!

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